Preamble: this is a a very open and frank account of what Ive been through (and going through). Every event here is described as it unfolded, truthfully. My presumptions and assumptions may well be totally wrong and misplaced. Yet ...............
(read on)
Some time ago, actually just around five plus years ago, I woke up with a start: as I was brushing my teeth I saw myself in the basin mirror: mortified and shell shocked. There was something terribly wrong with my face. I should know, I see it once every morning. A strange queasy feeling wrenched my guts as my hand went up to my cheek – bare. Gone was patch of my bristly beard. A naked hairless patch. Smooth. Now for those that know me, I have always been a little shabby and scraggy in my appearance – right from 1970 or sometime around, I started to sport a beard, and it has stayed an integral part of my persona (along with my unruly mane) ever since.
I have faced many a problem because of this harmless fetish – mainly from examiners and senior medical professionals who don’t take kindly to ‘breaking the unwritten code’, personality-wise that is, on how a doctor should look or what he should wear. In not fitting the ‘image’, I paid quite heavily.
And now, as I scratched my chin, I felt facial hair coming loose.
In a few days, my whole face was pock-marked with bare areas, alopecia areata. To add to my dismay even my moustache, was partially gone – and more embarrassingly on one half. Boy, I looked and felt like a clown. Of course, I could have, as some here may advise, taken everything off entirely – but, thirty years is a long time to be familiar with ones own image – and I got nightmares even thinking of emerging clean shaven.
Convinced in a week of this regular shedding, and alarmed – I walked into a consultant dermatologist clinic for medical opinion and advice. The specialist was an old student of mine, who was quite rattled seeing me all changed, like a partially plucked chicken. He examined me closely, asking a hundred questions on diet, personal history with needless to add here, included the possible mental stress and related depression that accompanied and followed my recent separation from my loved ones. Sleeping well? Yes. Eating okay? Yes. Work? As regular as clockwork. He shook his head, looking worried for he could I could discern find no usual or common cause for the strange and abrupt alopecia. A skin scraping and will help – he writes as he talks, listing a whole battery of investigations and laboratory tests.
A few days later, he calls me over the phone, asking me to come over if possible – or I’ll come home sir, he says. I instantly negated his latter request for I didn’t want anyone to see what a pathetic state my lifestyle had turned into in sight months since my family left me. I was living in a tiny tenement, without chairs, bed, curtains or TV, so miserably low had my bank balance been reduced to, that I had to scrape, survive and subsist.
He looked quite grave and serious as I met him. He pushes the reports to me. I scan the numbers and entries, the hair on my nape rising and goose pimples bubbling out along my forearms. My hands trembled. There was something wrong here. This can’t be! But numbers and levels don’t lie. The tale they told was incredible and frightening.
Toxic levels of un-taken drugs and alarming levels of some unusual hormones.
Sure you’re not on any drugs sir – any medications? For stress? Tension? Sleep?
I shook my head slowly to left and right after each question – too stunned to comprehend the implication and enormity of this development.
In the years since then, 2002, I’ve got back my beard and re-grown the missing half of my drooping moustache. I am as healthy as a near sixty man can be today. But many nights, I lie awake and wonder and question myself. Why? How? When? Each time I end up in cold sweat. I still am clueless and know of no cause for the alopecia that rattled me – one nagging possibility remains unanswered and hangs like a noose over my head – Could those that gypped me of every penny, could those that left me orphaned and on the streets, could those that abandoned me to the streets with just the set of clothes I had on, been up to something sinister? NO, NEVER, NO, NO, my inner voice screams. But to be honest, the very thought frightens.
Once is near enough. I scrupulously avoid eating or even drinking offered beverages (except at hotels) anywhere except my own home. I now only eat what Lakshmi cooks. She knows my fears: she nods in understanding, as she nudges away even her mother in law from the kitchen even now.
Am I insane? Am I hallucinating? Paranoid? Persecution complex? Psycho? May be I am. But, as long as the truth is still out there – it still scares the hell out of me.
Close
dear Naval Langa,
Thaks for the input - yes, I am picking up, and will go on, regardless of the past - future is something else and must be worked on. And yes again, Clive did rise and shine from being down and under - but for all his glory, he died with tragically - committing suicide.
regards, ixedoc
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Dear Dr. Kumar,
I have no idea about what has happened in your personal life. But I read a phrase 'esoteric reasons' in one of your comments to this blog. By this I understand that everyone has his or her role to play in this world-stage.
There was a yong man in England in early eighteenth century. Saddened by his life events he tried commiting suicide, twice. Failed. Then he thought that he must have been assigned a good role in life by the almighty God. He joined East India Company as a junior man.
And the man rose to the level of Governer General of that company; and he made it possible to render the nation like India under the rule of Britishers. The man was Robert Clive.
We cannot decode HIS codes. Let us play as HE wants us to play. And one thing more, sir. HE wants us to play cheerfully.
Naval Langa
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dear roba,
thanks for the input - yes, we are victims to or own imaginations - but mine sadly, if only were just imagined: the thoughts that run through my mind, are based on much evidence - none of which I can put on paper here. Suffice to say, were it only a tyre I was referring to, I wouldnt have cared a fig, it is my very life I am talking about.
So even if it sounds fanciful, there is much that I need to be paranoid about. Life has taught me many things, one among which is, when a woman want to wreak havoc, she does it - and does it again.
Some day when I meet up with you, you may appreciate the ground situation better than I have put it across here.
regards, ixedoc
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Doc,
July 12th weekend was in NJ attending aparty., Just before going for the party went to my mechanic for a regular servicing of the car. Sure enough he slaps me with a $240 bill for two front tyres changed. So, done with the work, I back on running my errands. land in the bank to close accounts and saw my ex there. Later, finished my work walked back to my car and drove. immediately realsied that there was something wrong. Got out of the car, the front left tyre was flat.
Immediately I connected the spotting of my ex in the bank to the flat tyre I had. We are really mean in our thinking. While I was waiting for AAA service to tow my car back tot he mechanic, called up some of my friends and narrated the incident to him. All confirmed the same.
that is when I ahd to put an end to the negative thoughts I was getting and told asked myself - why would he do anything like that? When I did not fin any reasoning behind, quelled the thought and lived devoid of any such thoughts.
Life sure is good !!! and, we sure know to make it horrible.
Duh!
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dear arian,
What next? Is there no morality or humanism left anywhere?
So, the thoughts I have on this issue arent as fanciful as I sometimes dismiss. True, we go about placing implicit trust in people we know, and end up - luckily alive to tell the tale.
Yes, I need to regain my values and faith in fellow beings - am trying
regards, ixedoc
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One of things that we all unwittingly do is to eat and drink anywhere - anyplace. It's trust that we place in the other's cooking..... like innocent children..... we go about our motions of eating and drinking.
That such an innocent act can be manipulated by another and result in feeding poison is unthinkable but omnipresent in those whom negative thoughts and hatred resides.
I am really sorry to hear this but i suspect those whom you loved with your heart.
Why do i say this? Because i too underwent with a similar experience. In my case it was drug induced sleep....fed to me through the food i ate. When i realised this i took the ultimate decision to separate...
But doc, dont paint everybody with the same brush.
Rgds
Arian
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dear supriya,
I am not alone: I am certain there are many less fortunate than me, only they m,ay not have as many shoulders to sob on, or as articulate as I in soliciting sympathy. Thanks for the supportive feedback
regards, ixedoc
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dear anjoorkidambi,
Time is my best friend. In six years, I myself cannot believe the growth in my self confidence levels and courage to stand up to odds. The worst is over, after hitting the rock bottom, there is only one way to go, up ( a cynic once told me, not really, you can continue to roll on the ocean floor and never come up!).
But I am hopeful...I have many friends who stand by me and support me in every way. That is strength few have in the measure I do
regards, ixedoc
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dear ushasuryamani,
Yes, I can go on , disbelieving and discrediting every shred of evidence - I did that all my married life, and have ended up paying a price no one should be asked to pay - total and complete isolation, left to my devices, broke and unbonded - to start life all over again. Ive dusted myself andf continued on my journey. There must be some esoteric reason why I go on - I still dont know , but am ready to last out, trying to remain healthy and sane, until I find out.
regards, ixedoc
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dear Priyamavada K,
Thanks again for the very supportive and incisive perpectives. But, here there is a small difference between the man in you your comment and me: I was nearly done in. Thats as close as one can get to the terminus. That I am still holding up, earning, interacting, mixing, writinga and concentrating on my career and students is proof enough that i have held things together far better than many I know.
That said, I have to add, what you term as fear, is in reality, an extra effort at being cautious. More than once, in the last few years, ive heard from very trusted wel wishers, that my extreme efforts towarsd this end - to self preservation - has keept me going. I still dont know the truth - its too late for me even want to find out - suffice to add, the events have cast a permanent shadow on my lifestyle and have truncated my once open and uninhibited joy of existence
regards, ixedoc
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